In my last community music school job, a non-profit, I was always the high-energy, positive faculty member.
I was devoted to my students.
I wanted to create programs that would change students’ lives.
I wanted to put my workplace on the map as a place where studying music meant something.
But I overlooked the fact that my raises were less than $2 per hour every two years. Despite the fact that students were paying $96 an hour for lessons and my starting pay was $40.
(Imagine how I felt when I learned that some faculty had been there for decades and were still in the 30’s.)
After I became the piano department chair, I learned I was going to be held accountable for the department’s growth. But with none of the power to hold teachers accountable.
I mean, I wasn't even allowed to start a conversation about some of the abysmal teaching going on.
(Like, writing letters in the music, bad…with students paying almost $100 an hour for lessons...cringe…).
As long as students were showing up and paying, the teachers could be playing Twister with the kids, for all the administration cared.
I buried all of this, too.
Figuring that if I work hard and try to inspire people, I can get the teachers who never get their students involved in anything to step up.
It didn’t work.
At least, not without doing most of the work for them.
Over the course of five years, I put in more and more hours for less and less pay. Before I knew it, I was working over 40 hours a week and barely cracking $35,000 a year.
And yet, I was still looking at the bright side of life. After all, I loved my teaching and my students, so what could go wrong?
And surely all my hard work would earn me consideration for an administrative position when it came available. I just had to keep going, keep working harder, keep making big things happen, and the higher-ups would see the value of what I could bring.
Yeah…that didn’t work out either.
My application wasn’t even in the running, and they hired someone who hadn’t even worked in a non-profit before.
I still remained positive, but things finally started to crack.
I took what was previously an unthinkable move. I tried teaching from home a couple days a week to boost my income.
The day I published my home studio website, I received nasty messages in my Facebook messenger inbox. My bosses weren’t happy and gave me an ultimatum.
And so, that was the year I quit.
Since then, I've reflected again and again over what kept me in this sort of work environment for so long. Not only what kept me there, but what kept me from dealing with lousy situation after lousy situation.
And I learned that there is a term for what kept me going in this hamster wheel over five years: Toxic positivity.
What is Toxic Positivity?
Toxic positivity is a way of dealing with negative emotions by pushing them aside in the name of staying positive. And many times, this includes a denial of reality.
When you lose your job and someone says, “Well, look at the bright side,” that’s an example of toxic positivity.
The movie Inside Out illustrates a perfect example of this (spoilers ahead).
When Riley’s family moves for dad’s new job, Riley is sad that she’s leaving her old home and all her friends behind. But Joy, Riley’s inner emotion-character, believes she needs to keep her happy.
And so, she forbids Sadness from touching the controls.
But as she tries to keep Riley happy, everything gets worse and worse until Riley ultimately becomes emotionless.
It’s only when Riley is allowed to feel sadness completely that she is able to be truly happy once again.
Music teachers experience toxic positivity all the time. Some examples include:
- The teacher who tries three dozen different strategies with a piano student who hasn’t practiced in years…even though it drains the life from the teacher for an hour every Tuesday at 3pm. Because “that’s what good teachers do.”
- The music teacher who continues teaching in a toxic work environment, because “things will get better in the next few years.” Even though there’s zero evidence pointing in that direction.
- The teachers who pride themselves on working 80 hours a week with a smile, despite the reality that every day feels like torture with the exhaustion and stress.
We mean well when we try to stay positive. After all, who wants to be a Negative Nancy or Negative Ned all the time?
But the irony is that, by denying negative emotions, we make them even worse. And eventually, this bubble pops in some of the worst ways, from gossip to drinking to lashing out at your friends.
So, What Do We Do?
The most practical method I've found to process and deal with toxic positivity is introspective writing.
Here’s an exercise you can try today.
Just be sure to have either a pen and paper or computer handy to do your writing. And most importantly, make sure your writing is for your eyes only.
1. Start with a 5-minute meditation.
Okay, I know I said we’d be writing, but we’re going to prep with a meditation. It’s not going to be the kind of meditation you’re used to, though.
Take what’s bothering you today, the negative emotions around it, and focus on that. If you’re feeling angry at someone or a situation, allow yourself to feel that anger. In fact, challenge yourself to become angrier. Do this for five minutes.
2. Write about it.
Now, write about how you felt. Unfiltered. That’s right. You can swear and curse up and down as much as you want. This is healthy.
As you unload this onto paper, you’re already going to start feeling some relief.
3. Write about your next plan of action.
Now that you’ve acknowledged these emotions, write about a healthy plan of action going forward.
Not a path that avoids the negativity or reality.
But one that can begin to confront and resolve the issue.
For example, if you were denied a raise despite working harder than the other teachers, you might plan to have an honest conversation with your boss about it. And if your boss reacts poorly, then you could think about making plans to find a new job with a boss who will appreciate you.
Or, if you have a student who just isn't practicing and is making Wednesdays miserable, you might have a conversation with the student about stepping up or stepping out.
Is it Really That Simple?
Emotions and thought patterns are complex. We're not even aware of them most of the time.
But writing is one of the most powerful ways you can get them into the open so you can process them, change your thought patterns, and take the most effective course of action.
This can be just one exercise in your toolkit of self-awareness exercises.
It's a practice, just like anything else. And as you repeat it, you'll gain clarity, focus, and peace of mind that allow you to do your best work as a music teacher.
If you want more, we're launching a new course here on Musiciative: Clear the Dissonance: 10 Days of Introspective Writing.
Ten days of writing prompts that will help you with everything from toxic positivity to procrastination to unresolved trauma.
Check it out here. If you sign up before March 16th, you can gain lifetime access with a 60%-off discount.
In the meantime, stay positive by dealing with the negative. It's the best way to be.
